Why write? Why share?

I’m writing to help anyone else who is in the same situation, who was in this situation or who will be in the near future. Taking the time to find a somewhat winning formula is worth it. This experience is teaching me so much about myself, about family dynamics and about how valuable it is to keep families together when possible AND when not dysfunctional. For some people putting a parent or another close relative into a care facility is absolutely the right call. For me, I hope to never have to make that decision, and right now, I’m choosing for my dad to live with me and my family.

Learning from the experience with my mom and her cancer experience didn't exactly teach me to be gracious. Instead, it helped me see how important it was (and is) to seek out opportunities to be magnanimous and benevolent not only in easy times of triumph and joy and celebration but also in times of stress and anxiety, sadness and pain. My mom taught me graciousness. It doesn't mean you have to be a pushover or overly agreeable. It just means you have the ability to recognize your own power in every situation. It also, and very crucially, means finding a way to protect and stick by your family and friends, to be the best advocate you could be in any situation.

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May 18, 2021

Counted it up recently and found out I have taken my dad to 25 doctor appointments/procedures since he moved into my house in October. That is an average of 3.125 appointments per month. And it doesn’t seem to be slowing down. The specialities we have seen include: Internal Medicine, Podiatry, Hematology, Dermatology, Ophthalmology, Opticial and Cardiology, and the visits also take into account COVID testing and COVID vaccine shots. Going to the doctor is a major part of taking care of a family member.

Here’s what I have learned:

Be careful who you select to take care of your parent, in every specialty of medicine, there are exceptional practitioners and mediocre ones. I’m so lucky I have worked in healthcare and have amassed an extensive network of people I can go to for recommendations. The cream really does rise to the top, as the saying goes and reputation matters. That’s why google ratings and reviews are so powerful. That’s why Yelp reviews matter. It’s easy to spot the trolls, so take the crazy reviews with a grain of salt. However, if you notice a preponderance of ratings that are only fair with lukewarm comments, it’s also telling something. Therefore, be wary of intra-health system referrals. Just because your favorite doctor has knowledge of a specialty within the same health system, it doesn’t mean you need to go where you are referred. Question the referral. Ask your trusted doctor: “Do you know this other doctor? How can I find out more about them?” There is no one who will force you to go to any one caregiver. You have options. Exercise those options by researching a practice and the doctor as well as interviewing a practice before you go.

When I first moved to the Chicago area from Los Angeles 15 years ago, I knew I would need a pediatrician for my kids, who were very young (7 and 4 years old). Working in pharmaceutical sales at the time, I asked everyone -- and I mean everyone -- with whom I interacted in any kind of meaningful way (think medical assistants, nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners) ‘Who do you think is the best pediatrician in the area?' I was actually surprised to find most people said the same person. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say I asked 20 different people over the course of 3 months during my pharmaceutical sales call points and most of them named the same doctor as being the best. The kicker came when I went to another pediatrician’s office and shared with one of the nurses I would need a pediatrician when my kids finally joined me in Chicago. ‘Who is really good in the area?’ I asked her. She didn’t name her own doctors in the practice where we were standing, instead suggesting I go to the same doctor everyone else had mentioned and where her older sister, also a nurse, worked. When I finally met this doctor, I knew they were all correct. He was a sharp diagnostician but also took a developmental approach to children’s health. My kids are healthy today and healthier overall because of his approach. Bonus: his staff were all wonderful, too, and I liked his partner to boot. My on-the-ground research paid off, in my humble opinion. This is also how I picked my own internal medicine doctor, along with the doctor for my husband, oldest son (when he became an adult), and my father.

This lesson is one I have had to take to heart multiple times including when I found myself expecting baby #3 at age 35. I ended up asking my trusted and wonderful pediatrician’s staff who they would recommend for an Obstetrician. Little did they know, I had already completed my first appointment with an OB my regular doctor had recommended. The OB was within the health system and my doctor didn’t have enough experience to know anyone else. It was an easy referral process for her. However, everything about the first OB was all wrong for me. I have no doubt she would be fine for many people, but I was not a good fit. I asked the nurses at my pediatrician’s office, telling them I was exploring my options, and I found the OB who ultimately took care of me and my husband (our son was his first child) during a bumpy, stressful pregnancy. The OB could not have been better suited for us. His head nurse also taught the new parents class at the nearby (attached) hospital and is married to my husband’s doctor! Goodness abounds, I believe.

Ancillary staff matter too. Be aware of how the process of making an appointment and check-in feel for you. Was it cold, impersonal, difficult, multi-step, frustrating or complicated to make an appointment in the first place? You have options. Find an option for a care provider where you can most easily reach the staff you need to reach in a reasonable amount of time. Look for someone who is the total package. Depending on the specialty, you may be taking your parent(s) there multiple times. You need to feel confident and while we can all be understanding of a single staff member having a bad day, multiple bad days with multiple staff members is a ‘bad’ trend. Make another choice.