Funny tricks of memory

From my mom's 2013 cancer diagnosis to her death in July 2014, so many little and large events during that time period that have escaped my memory. Now, I think back to try to remember specifics and I simply cannot. I only have a loose timeline to go off of, interspersed with strong recollections, and it looks like this:

June 2013, Mom diagnosed with Cancer; starts chemo and physical therapy --> August 2013, my niece Elizabeth is born in Tucson, AZ and mom is present --> November 2013, my husband, kids and I travel to Tucson for Thanksgiving with my sister, brother-in-law, baby niece, parents and older sister --> February 2014, I go to Los Angeles area for 10 days to support mom (and dad) during one of her 'final' rounds of chemo --> June 2014, mom has a 'mini-stroke' --> July 17 2014, mom flies out to Chicago to visit (and so I can evaluate her) and dies 12 days later.

For each of the points of the timeline, I have memories, some strong and others barely there, but there is very little I can say about the daily happenings that my mom and dad were experiencing. I am not even sure what I was thinking about day-to-day, so lost I probably was in the minutiae of my own busy life. Once again, I regret not being more in the present moment, not being more proactive, responsive, and ... gracious. I wonder now why I didn't put more effort and thought into preparing for mom's death.

In summary, my mom's death was an awful experience. It was also inevitable and totally beautiful and unbelievable and shocking and gut-wrenching all at once.

Inevitable - Mom had terminal cancer. Stage IV with no such thing as Stage V

Beautiful - Mom was surrounded by family when she transitioned; and hopefully she felt at peace. We did our best to make her comfortable and to show her love.

Unbelievable - The series of events that brought Mom to the suburbs of Illinois started with a combo of our denial and another missed diagnosis.

Shocking - how the events unfolded suddenly, dramatically in a way that was seemingly one crazy unwanted revelation after the other.

Gut-wrenching - shared grief is powerful. The powerfulness comes from its ability to heal as well as in its catharsis of community. Sometimes shared grief is too empathetic, though. I know I ached for my father, his helplessness and despair; I felt for my older sister, who ended up stuck in Illinois without the support of her own friend network; and I worried about my younger sister losing her northstar just when she was starting a family of her own.

I'm still searching for complete acceptance and peace with my mom's passing. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I miss her so much? I keep waiting and hoping one day I'll wake up and [poof] I'll feel total peace with her death. Actually as I write this now in early 2022, I do feel more settled than I did even 18 months ago. There is a part of me though that feels stuck in a state of shock and deep sadness. It's as though her death was just plain wrong, a mistake. That's how it feels--like an injustice or a mix-up. It's like when the wrong person gets convicted of a crime and then goes to prison. It feels like that level of unfair. Only there is no governor to ask for a last-minute pardon.